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Is speaking really about complying?

This writing is prompted by a short video clip on TikTok I came across recently. A person described that she didn’t give the yoghurt to the child until he said the word, and that she brought the spoon close to his mouth and waited until he said the word 😔.

This was just a short clip and not a full interview, but it raised some serious concerns about how communication is understood and approached. Sadly, this is not the first time I have come across this kind of approach being used with young children with communication challenges.

❓Is it ethically right to withhold food from a child, especially when they are hungry, in order to make them speak?

Saying a word is not as easy as it may seem to most of us. Speech requires the integration of many internal and external systems, such as cognitive, sensory, emotional, motor, environmental and social. When a child doesn’t speak, it’s not his stubbornness. And it’s not poor parenting. It can be a real challenge for that child. Some children may take longer to integrate all the systems and come up with a word.

Is this what we really mean by communication? We are getting communication all wrong.

Communication doesn’t grow under pressure. It cannot be accessed by placing conditions on a child.

Yet, we often see the child’s ability to speak is turned into a tool for control, which means demanding obedience. Success is then measured by how well the child complies with the adult’s demand. From my experience, these approaches that put pressure on the child to speak continue to spread due to:

1. Lack of understanding about child communication development
2. The child’s obedience is often rewarded in many settings.
3. Caregivers, teachers, and even some professionals may not have access to alternative, child-centred strategies. Often, they are doing the best they can with what they know.
4. A rush to “fix” the child – There is often urgency to get the child to talk, due to fear of academic failures, comparisons, or educational pressures.

These approaches can really damage a child’s sense of safety, autonomy, and emotional well-being.

So it is time to pause and ask:

❓ Are we truly supporting communication, or are we using speech as a tool to demand obedience?

It’s time to reflect deeply 💭💭.
Because children deserve more than just words. They deserve respect, patience, and unconditional support.

Buddhima Samaraweera

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Lift the Pressure and Let Your Child Speak Freely

In my 15 years of practice, I often hear parents express frustration:

“Why does my child speak better during speech therapy sessions but not at home?”

One of the main reasons could be the pressure placed on verbal communication during home interactions.

The Impact of Pressure on Communication

When we place too much emphasis on verbal communication or talking without valuing or acknowledging what the child is already capable of, it can create a stressful environment. This pressure can make speaking feel more like a task than a natural expression.

How Pressure Shows Up at Home

Parents may unknowingly add pressure in these ways:

  1. Not waiting for the child to speak: Interrupting or finishing sentences for them may discourage the child from trying.
  2. Asking too many questions: Rapid-fire questions like “What is this? What colour is it?” can feel overwhelming.
  3. Not providing sufficient opportunities to speak: Talking too much or giving instructions without pauses leaves little room for the child to respond.
  4. Talking too much: Dominating the conversation or giving too many instructions without pauses leaves little opportunity for the child to join in.
  5. Lack of enthusiasm: If a child doesn’t see excitement or interest in their attempts, they may feel discouraged.
  6. Not acknowledging the child’s efforts: Ignoring nonverbal attempts (gestures, sounds) can send the message that only words are valued.

Be Mindful to Encourage Communication

By being conscious of these behaviours, you can create an environment where your child feels more comfortable and motivated to speak. Here are some tips:

  • Wait and Pause: Give your child time to process and respond. Count to 10 in your head before stepping in.
  • Reduce questions: Instead of constant quizzing, make comments like, “Oh, you’re holding the car! It’s so shiny.”
  • Acknowledge all communication: Celebrate gestures, sounds, and words equally to encourage progress.
  • Show enthusiasm: Smile, clap, or repeat what they say to show you’re listening and proud of their effort.
  • Provide opportunities: Pause while reading a book or playing to let your child fill the silence.

The Power of a Pressure-Free Environment

When the immense pressure for verbal communication is lifted, children often feel more confident and willing to express themselves. Speech therapy creates such an atmosphere, and the same approach can work wonders at home.

Let your child know that their voice matters—whether it’s a word, a sound, or a gesture. Over time, you’ll notice that as the pressure fades, their desire to communicate grows.

Have you noticed how your child communicates differently at home versus in therapy? Share your experiences with us! 😊

Kruythoff-Broekman, A., Wiefferink, C., Rieffe, C., & Uilenburg, N. (2019). Parent-implemented early language intervention programme for late talkers: parental communicative behaviour change and child language outcomes at 3 and 4 years of age. International journal of language & communication disorders, 54(3), 451–464. https://doi.org/10.1111/1460-6984.12451

Buddhima Samaraweera

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